Are You a "Dummy Owner?'

During a recent conversation with a colleague, I coined a term to describe folks who decide one day that they are ventriloquists. The term is "dummy owner." Is that you? Here's a little test to see. Score 1 point for each "yes" answer.

1. Do your lips move constantly throughout your performance?
2. Do you always perform gratis/pro bono/freebie/for nada?
3. Do you perform with a Juro Jerry Mahoney?
4. Is your dummy so motionless that he looks like a static VentHaven schoolhouse display?
5. Does your dummy's voice sound exactly like you?
6. Does your dummy speak in an annoying nasal or falsetto whine?
7. Do you let your male dummy perform without real socks on?
8. Do you show up at social or public events unexpectedly with your dummy?
9. Do you use jokes you've copied from other ventriloquists?
10. Do you hold your dummy seated across your arm with your thumb sticking up from between his legs?
11. Do you and your dummy sing, "Side by Side?"
12. Does your dummy have raising eyebrows and do you raise them more than twice during a performance?
13. Except for formal attire, do you and your dummy dress alike?

Scoring: 0 points = ventriloquist. 1 or more points = dummy owner.

All in good fun, of course.